Being lonely in your 30's
as a (single) freelancer
This has been a subject that’s been on my mind for the last few weeks. I’m going to try to gather my thoughts and make it into a piece that’s readable. Please bear with me as I have no clue what I want to say! My assumption is that a lot of writers and readers on Substack are freelancers and thus might relate to this little rant. A rant about being lonely as a freelancer. I’m going to be honest and hopefully make people feel a little less weird. I’m sure there are lots of freelancers with a busy social life, but that’s not me.
As a child, I enjoyed my own company. As long as I know I’ve been a loner, I liked doing this on my own. I thrived on being on my own. Always have been. (I now know this as being ‘hyper independent’, which could be a whole post on its own.) But in my thirties I realized I was getting lonely. How? Was it because my friends all got their families and didn’t have time for me? Was it because I was single? Was it my best friend moving cities? Was it having a job (as a barista at that time) that wasn’t sparking any joy? Was it a creative gap that needed to be filled? I tried several things, like volunteering. Every Tuesday I worked at a museum as a hostess (lots of retired people volunteering at museums, it turns out) or volunteered several years at festivals (lots of 16-year olds volunteering at festivals, apparently), desperate to connect with like-minded people and maybe even make new friends. Well, that didn’t really work out. Turns out making new friends in your thirties is extremely hard.
Baby me in the museum I volunteered at.
Freelancing
Let’s jump a few years ahead. We’re deep into lockdowns and I’m laid off for a few months of my barista job. I realized I really liked that freedom, I thrived on having all the time in the world! I was creative again: I started to draw again (after not having done so for many years), started things like sewing and talking long walks in nature. Of course I was very privileged - I could live off savings for a few months, was healthy and could enjoy this time off even though it was really scary. Being in a job that I didn’t love sucked out a lot of my energy I realized. And so it was time - time to go fulltime freelance! Quite funny - I’m a wedding photographer, so a job that wasn’t really happening in Covid times. But I still went for it.
Now we’re five years later and I’m still fulltime freelancing. I’m still a (wedding) photographer and have picked up illustrating (my degree!) in the last two years. I’m getting a huge sense of fulfillment from my work and the first few years were amazing. But after the excitement wore off I started to realize that it can also be very lonely. And that’s coming from me - the number one loner.
Connecting as a freelancer
Let me just say I don’t want this post to be a pity party - I still really like being a freelancer. It turned out a big part of feeling lonely was also coming from inside. A deep loss of creativity made me feel lonely, even though I was surrendered with lots of people at work. But now I'm creatively fulfilled but I’m barely seeing any people. Turns out that can make you feel lonely as well!
I used to have weeks where the only people I spoke to are the cashiers at the grocery store. And now with all the self scan options I barely talk to them anymore either. Every time I try to tell my friends this, I feel like they don’t really understand. Some even find it funny. They all have ‘normal’ jobs, families, partners, kids. They are never alone and think my life must be heaven. And this is where I’m crying out to you, my dear Substack readers! I’m sure at least one of you must understand how lonely freelancing can be!
What is my routine? Are you joking?
You might know, as a fellow freelancer, how it can be when you have some work but not too much. Or have a lot of work. Or none at all. How hard it is to set a routine, especially if you are single and live alone. I don’t do weekends. I often shoot a wedding on a Saturday and even if I don’t: every day is the same. I don’t sleep in because I just can’t. I don’t celebrate a day off. I feel guilty for not doing anything every single day. I could easily work at night. I work at home behind my desk or dining table. When I’m done working I’m going downstairs and watch tv. Sometimes I see friends, a few times a month. That is it. Having so much freedom is just SO BORING sometimes. But I also wouldn’t want to trade it for the world. Confusing, no?
Connecting with like minded people
For the last two years I’m now working as a ‘content creator’ for the printmaking studio that I love to visit. It’s only 3 hours a week (I spend way more time there) and it’s minimum wage, but it’s one of my favourite places in the world so I don’t mind! I also started volunteering there, every Monday. It’s been doing wonders for my mental health! Why? Because I connect there with other artist, other like-minded people. I have a place where people know me, where you can chat about your weekend and talk about your work. I go there every Monday and Wednesday, so that’s a little bit of a routine. My friends are all like-minded people too of course, but I don’t see them on a weekly basis. And that’s where the routine comes it, the routine that I honestly need a lot.
The summer of searching for connection and hobbies
So I have realized that I need more of this. More connection, something I’ve been looking for for many years. But I also need to get out of the house more. I’m currently typing this in a coffee shop, but that’s not enough. I also want to have a bit more of a routine, so I’ve been thinking about doing sports. I really like bouldering, but it’s quite hard to get friends to come with me. People have kids and barely any time off, which is very understandable but also a little annoying when you’re like me. I have every day off. I can work whenever I want. I have zero responsibillities outside of work. (And funnily enough, I don’t want to go bouldering alone, I already do everything alone. Can I please just have a hobby that I’m not doing by myself?)
What’s your point?
Okay okay, so this feels like a discombobulated rant. What’s my point with this post? I’m trying to find likeminded people! Let’s give each other words of encouragement and make plans for summer. It’s more than not seeing your friends enough. It’s also about not having co-workers and the impact that has. The impact of just working at home and have weird work/life boundaries. The feeling you never have a proper day off. Let me know how you feel about all this!
My plans of being less lonely this summer:
going on holiday with friends, yay!
trying to find more hobbies outside of the house. Last week I started a sewing class. I need to find more of these kind of things. Or doing a workshop in bouldering and hoping to meet people there.
allowing myself to work a bit more in coffee shops. Sometimes I’m just getting straight up cabin fever.
trying to build a routine and take weekends off.
making Youtube videos about this subject and try to find a like minded community of lonely freelancers. That sounds very sad, lol.
Any suggestions? :) Do you recognize any of these struggles? Let’s connect!